Things To Do With A Dead Monkey

Use it to stop your bus

Use it as a Stretch Armstrong substitute

Keep your sausages warm

Novelty toilet paper

A nice comfy pair of warm slippers

See if there's enough room to swing a monkey

Serve it to your parents as Spaghetti Monkeynese

A stationary holder

Use instead of tin cans behind your "Just Married" car

Monkey for Christmas?

Did you get a monkey for Christmas?

Bored with it already?

Here's ten tips to keep you and your monkey amused for at least another ten minutes....

1. Shove a garden cane up its arse and use it to clean your toilet, especially after a sticky-toffee chocolate log has been laid to rest.

2. Nail its feet to the floor then try to nail its hands to the ceiling - it can be done!

3. Place it on an old record player deck, put the needle to the eyeball and create a DJ-style hip hop drum 'n bass mix of your favourite Monkees/Michael Jackson hit.

4. Take out its bowels and replace with Duracell batteries then see how long it can clash cymbals before dying.

5. Go clay monkey shooting in your back garden with a shotgun and a seesaw.

6. Place it in a small cage with sawdust; feed it on dried corn and seeds; bed it in shredded paper. See how long it takes before it runs around of its own accord in the wheel.

7. Sellotape it to a cross and put it in your garden to keep the crows off your strawberry patch.

8. Shave it and get it to mime to Ronan Keating songs.

9. Trap its fur in the zip of your jeans for a wild and crazy laugh.

10. Tell it to wait outside under the bedroom window then when its not looking trickle a solution of Tippex and PVA glue onto its head and blame the birds.

Monkey Sign Language

How to talk to monkeys/monkies/monkeies

The following hand signals are what white-coat scientists believe to be the secret code of monkey talk. After years of observation, a certain pattern of communication was noticed as the test monkeys chattered to each other; this pattern is now revealed exclusively to The Monkey's Brain readers.

Shove one banana up your arse

Shove two bananas up your arse

Banana strangle hold

Come on then if you think you're hard enough

Hi there, I'm going to fart in your face

Have a feel of my balls

This is my shadow puppet of a turkey

I want a tyre

Shove 5 bananas up your arse, sideways

See if you can catch this snot in your mouth

Look, someone using monkey signals

Get this gism off my hands

Once you have mastered the monkey signal technique you should try a visit to your local zoo to put your new found skills into practice. Ask the warden if you can help clean out the monkey cage - this will give you the opportunity to demonstrate your potential at being locked-up with the rest of the chimpanzees and to be fed on a diet of peanuts, bananas and fleas.

Movie Monkeys