Teke - A Tribute

Born a Monkey - Died a Man

It is with wonder that the national press failed to feature heavily the recent death of one of the silver screen's most versatile and accomplished animal actors, Teke the monkey.

In wake of the tragedy please treat the following as a tribute to one of Hollywood's forgotten gems.

It was in the Sixties that our friend, Teke, was born in the Amazon Rainforests and within eighteen months was lured into the spectacle of space exploration by the animal testing unit at NASA. Here, under the training of Colonel J.T. Hartledge, Teke was to take the largest step of monkeykind a whole year before Yuri Gagarin's famous travel into the void known as Space.

Aboard the satellite Sputnik one Teke proved that life could exist out of our atmosphere but little did he know that it was only meant to be a one-way journey. The satellite was designed to burn-up on re-entry of the atmosphere scattering debris over the Atlantic Ocean. This it did but not before Teke managed to eject safely without his oxygen suit seconds before the capsule exploded.

Of all the places to land Teke parachuted to the safety and lucrative prospects of Hollywood. A heroes welcome awaited in Tinseltown closely followed by several appearances on TV shows, such as the Ed Sullivan show where Teke left a little something on the desk to the viewers' delight! Snapped up by big name directors Teke followed the glamorous lifestyle of the movie star appearing in no less than twenty-seven features including Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

His big break, however, came when he co-starred with Harrison Ford in Speilberg's Raiders of the Lost Ark playing the part of a motorcycle villain's sidekick - a role which won him the animal equivelent of an Oscar.

A downhill slide hit Teke hard. He starred in George A. Romero's Monkey Shines, a low budget horror film, and rapidly sought the seedier side of life in B-movies and Home-mades. A string of cheap pornographic flicks saw the onetime media-star in the raw. The drug scene took over Teke's life and his huge expenses bills was to be paid for by allowing himself to be tested on by giants in the cosmetic industry.

Gradually Teke became so ill he was placed in a hospital for sick animals where he was to die on the twenty-fourth day of December 1999

Monkey Jokes

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet. All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?" "Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!".

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes," nodded the Monkey. "What else?" asked the officer. The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly. "They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer. "Yes," nodded the Monkey. "What else?" queried the officer. The monkey motioned with his fingers... "Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes," nodded the monkey. "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?" "Yes," the Monkey nodded. "What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer. "Driving," motioned the monkey.

A Monkey's Tale

The following story is true to fact. Names have been changed to protect the innocent but you know who you are, don't you.

The tale starts back in the early eighties, I was bored so I called on my friend (used in the widest possible sense) who, to protect his identity, we shall call Matty Robinson.

Matty was a strange kid. He lived near some railway lines and could imitate the noise the trains made as they passed by his house. Not the engine noise, mind, only the whistle - a sort of "Eee-You". He came out on his very old style bicycle with big wheels and dirty loose chain. We wandered the streets looking for something exciting to do when all of a sudden we saw it. It was lost and alone and sitting on a fence. We thought it might run away when we went near it. It didn't run but just smiled and looked like it was saying "Play with me".

So we did.

The poor skinny monkey was at first thrown across the street to each other in a dangerous game of "Kerby" but alas monkeys do not bounce. A game of "Let's see who can throw the monkey over the telephone wires" also lasted merely minutes as the boredom factor rated high. Then, from my nearby home came my younger sister who we shall call, humm.... Ratch.

On her suggestion (I can't remember exactly whether it was her idea but she's good enough to blame more than anyone else) we would play the game entitled "Let's throw monkey into the wheels of Matty's bike as he rides back and forth". What fun. A miss... my turn... nearly.... Ratch's turn.... crikey, that was close.... etc. and so forth.

Suddenly a muffled clanking noise. The monkey attached itself to Matty's bike's chain - the inside! I thought I heard it scream.... Ratch was sick all over the road.... Matty carried on riding with a gleeful evil in his eye - "Eee-you!" came his war cry. The monkey rolled around and around, backwards and forwards. It's long arms and legs wrapping tighter and tighter amongst the cogs and thick black oil. "Eee-you! Ee-YOU!!" Matty dismounted and we all stood staring in horror at the painfully twisted remnants of the lonely monkey. It took quite a long time removing the monkey's body from the chain. Some of it was well squashed in - I think some of the fur is probably still in that chain today. The only decent thing we could do was to place the battered and wounded monkey onto the fence whence it came and hope that it's rightful owner would rescue and love him.

We scarpered.

I tell this story now as a warning to the other participants, and any others who pick on small monkeys left on fences, because of the incident that recently occured to me whilst eating in our local American burger joint, you know the one I mean.

Whilst standing in the queue I noticed the person serving was of thin build and quite hairy - he seemed to look familiar. It was only when I was about to be served that I saw the scars down his hairy arms and realised that this must be the monkey from years ago. It was too late to leave so I made my order whilst I averted my eyes and covered my face. I hoped that he didn't recognise me or could tell I was hiding a dark secret. He took the order and left to prepare it.

I was safe... or so I thought.

Half-way through eating my big-burger I noticed an odd taste so I peeled back the top of the breadcake and there to my horror was not only a huge sticky piece of phlegm but a streak of black oil, with hairs in it (or fur). I left the burger-bar in a great hurry and have not been back there since.

So beware Ratch and Matty, and any others who dare torment lonely creatures, the monkey will get you too in the end. Oh, yes it will.