Are you more monkey than man?
Just try out this simple 10 question exercise to reveal how closely you are related to the hairy swingers.
1) You are shopping at your local supermarket. Do you....
a) Collect your groceries for the week
b) Spend your time reading the magazines then head off to the liqour aisle
c) Head straight for the bananas and put them in your trolley with your feet
2) A friend invites you round to watch a film. Do you....
a) Say you feel unwell and stay home
b) Take a four-pack and a curry and insist on watching the match
c) climb in through their window, undress and masturbate over the telly whilst laughing uncontrollably
3) Walking in the park you see someone dropping litter. Do you....
a) Point it out to the culprit and ask them to dispose of it
b) Ignore the incident and walk on by
c) Look bemused, poke the litter and jump back, poke it again, scream and run up a tree. Stay quiet for a while. Scream again and keep screaming until you're eaten by a lion.
4) You're at a job interview and have just been asked a difficult question. Do you....
a) Answer the best you can from off the top of your head
b) Try to change the subject and improvise from off the top of your head
c) Stick a finger in your arse while standing on your head
5) You're in a pub and you see someone you're attracted to. Do you....
a) Keep giving the eye until you've caught their attention
b) Offer to buy a drink and ask for a date
c) Clap your cymbals and do a flip
6) You find some dog poo outside your front door. Do you....
a) Use a small food bag to pick it up and place it in the dustbin
b) Swear then swill it away with a bucket of water
c) Smell it, taste it, eat it, find its owner, shag it
7) You're thinking of having an extension to your house. Do you....
a) Buy a conservatory for the long summer nights
b) Have a loft conversion for an extra room
c) Buy an old shed, lean a branch against the window and disappear for a couple of seasons
8) You're visiting your mentally sick Granny in the special home. Do you....
a) Have a quiet chat with her, possibly over a game of draughts or snap, letting her win
b) See the strange inmates, decide it's not a good day to visit and send flowers
c) Jump around the corridor banging your fists on the floor and all the doors then jump at the barred windows and rattle them wildly.
9) Babysitting for a relative you must change a filthy nappy. Do you....
a) Read the instructions off the nappy pack and attempt it yourself
b) Leave the baby until the parents return then say it's just done it
c) Put the nappy on your head and eat the baby for supper
10) In the video shop your partner picks up a Tom Hanks romantic comedy and suggests it as the night's entertainment. Do you....
a) Say what a great idea - it's a film you've been longing to see
b) Suggest an alternative movie starring Tom Hanks but with more action and she might like the supposedly true events of Saving Private Ryan
c) Wipe Tom on your arse and walk out with Every Which Way But Loose and a plethora of Charles Bronson films
Results
Mainly "a" - You're no monkey but are a bit of a boring bastard who probably likes looking at World War II bombers or old buses
Mainly "b" - An average person with only the hairy elbows and cheeky grin
Mainly "c" - You're definately a monkey and should sign yourself in at your local zoo. There's free food and shelter and plenty of visitors to wank at. Do yourself a favour and test cosmetics on yourself for fun then drape yourself around some rich bitch's shoulders as a fashionable furry scarf!
Look at the Sweet Monkey!
This baby monkey, appearing all cute and cuddly with tearful eyes and amusing hairstyle, would grow into a huge 5 foot orange beast with leathery hands and face; powerful arms that could rip a humans limbs apart; jaws full of sharp teeth to tear your flesh from your bones; an attitude to make any heavyweight boxer look like a soft jellybaby; a remorseless killer.
If it wasn't for the help of new-wave whitecoat scientists in the cosmetics testing industry and the handbag-and-matching-purse businessmen of this day and age then killer-creatures like this would be rampaging through our streets causing mayhem and misery.
Forget animal rights and remember our human rights. The less we see of these potentially murderous beasts the more we sleep safely in our beds knowing that our hairspray and nail polish won't kill us.
Survival of the fittest - monkeys aren't fit to survive if we kill 'em while they're young and harmless.
Help protect the human race and do your bit to wipe out the monkey race.
Monkey Bits
This is the Black-faced Bumfluff Monkey, or sometimes referred to as the Uncle Bulgaria or Amos Brearley monkey. It lives in the countryside of Great Britain and can be mostly seen around the North Yorkshire Moors. Using its demon-like eyes and white fur it scares its prey stiff as a board and then drops from the tree for the kill. Sometimes, as seen on the picture above, it can radiate a deadly red strobing shadow to ward off other evil monkeys and give epileptics fits. Beware of this monkey for it feeds on human flesh, fresh young human flesh (preferably of the female variety).
Magic Monkey Moments
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom : How should a monkey be served?
It's brains removed, chilled, minced then served back in their own heads, with bread soldiers on the side, of course! Mmmm! Chilled Monkey Brains!
Where are the famous monkeys now?
Topov from Pipkins
Topov the monkey, so named because he lived on "top of" the cupboard, was the real star of the kids show Pipkins. Even though the show was headed by a hare named Hartley, who could only pick things up if they had hooks on the back of them, Topov was everyone's reason for tuning in. He could pick things up alright.
Today, Topov is still a star. He spends his daytimes helping the homeless by allowing himself to be used as a brown furry rag for tramps to wank into and on nights he can be found clearing mud out of drains, hiding in people's plugholes and being savaged by wild dogs.
In a recent interview with Topov he announced that he would like to make a comeback into TV but unfortunately his application for Stars in their Eyes was turned down. Host of the show, Matthew Smelly, was quoted as saying, "It would have been a bit cheeky allowing Topov on the show to do an impression of Davey Jones and it would have been unfair competition for the rival contestants."
Magic Monkey Moments
The scene that launched a thousand nightmares. Monkeys with wings. It just wasn't meant to be.
The Wizard of Oz contained hundreds of the damned things flapping about. If only Dorothy had had a shotgun and a bunch of bananas then a trap could have been set and a few of the beasts blagged and mounted on trophy walls. Hence, some of my sweat-soaked nightly wake-ups would have been quashed.
Only view the appropriate scene if you're mentally deranged. They're not meant to have wings and they're not meant to fly.
Spider + wings = fly
Mouse + wings = bat
Monkey + wings = bloody awfullest scary nightmare-inducing THING that should never have been.
Monkey Puzzle
Why is a Monkey Puzzle tree called a Monkey Puzzle tree?
If you don't know then you must be a monkey.
Magic Monkey Moments
Cult dubbed TV show "Monkey"
The cult oriental kung-fu chop-socky karate comedy featuring a whole host of oddbods such as Sandy the Seamonster, Pigsy the Pigman and Tribitarka the budhist wiseguy. Monkey was the rebel hero of the ensemble who created mayhem every week and rode around on a cloud. One particularly good episode saw Monkey pissing up the side of a holy temple whilst in Heaven.
Monkey lives on and has recently been re-released to buy on unremastered DVD.
Monkey Joke
How many monkeys tied to a railway track would stop a train?
As many as you like - the train ain't gonna stop!
Famous Monkeys
PG Tips original chimps
The famous duo who started the ball rolling for PG Tips advertising. The two cheeky chimps who tried to take a piano down the stairs carried on off-screen with their own removals firm "Monkey Business".
Once the novelty had worn off the monkeys weren't wanted anymore and were eventually sued for damaging one-too-many items when they attempted to remove a kidney dialysis machine from a hospital and took the kidney instead.
Horace and Boris, as they are professionally known now, currently make a living as rent-boys for rich businessmen needing light relief. For a small fee the duo will slap buttocks and for a larger fee they will partake in a touch of "cottaging", even supplying their own large carrier bag (which usually accommodates their packed lunch).
Their autographs, still hunted by fans, can be found in phone boxes all around the country along with their contact number.
Having trouble with bananas being scrumped?
Finding old tyres strewn around your garden?
Hear strange chattering in the night?
If you've answered YES to any of the above then you've got a serious monkey infestation and need help right now!
MONKEY TROUBLE
-The Simian Exterminators-
Our untrained exterminators carry rifles for quick-fire long-range results.
Other safe methods of hairy child disposal include heavy boot stomping, claw hammer bludgeoning and, for lovers of the more traditional methods, a cage trap (with bowie knife for hide extraction).
Call now for a large-fee no obligation consultation on 0898 Spank me real good
