25 Amazing Monkey Facts
1. Monkeys never stop growing. The only reason they don't grow too big is because they have to be killed in cosmetic experiments or by hunters. Except King Kong. And Mighty Joe Young.
2. Look how big the monkeys had grown in Planet of the Apes. This is because it is set a few hundred years into the future without cosmetics or hunters.
3. Roddy McDowell took the lead role in Planet of the Apes because he said his ancestors were monkeys.
4. Monkeys have difficulty breeding prefering instead to masturbate in public.
5. Charlton Heston played the human lead in Planet of the Apes when, in fact, he really is a monkey.
6. Spider-monkeys have appeared in more films than any other breed of monkey with the exception of the winged bird-monkeys in The Wizard of Oz.
7. The English Language Institute have campaigned for years to have the plural of monkey to be changed accordingly to monkeies - changing the "y" to an "i" and adding "es".
8. Quentin Crisp wanted to play the lead monkey in Planet of the Apes until he was told the character's name was Gaylan not Gaylord.
9. Eastenders character Cindy Beale looks like a monkey gone blonde.
10. Monkeys don't actually eat bananas but shove them down to please audiences who think they eat bananas.
11. Monkeys have a sick sense of humour.
12. Clyde the orangutang starred in Every Which Way But Loose alongside Clint Eastwood in a monkey suit.
13. Davy Jones and Mickey Dolenz wanted to be in Planet of the Apes but were told they are always monkeying around. However, they did get a bit part - the bit that wasn't in it.
14. Unlike humans monkeys develop a second set of teeth. When in captivity their second set evolve to reinforce their first enabling the biting through of metal wire and subsequent escape into the public domain.
15. Monkeys are avid collectors of credit cards and use them fraudulantely - keep your hands in your pockets!
16. Chimpanzees are employed into the Civil Service to staple things together and shuffle paperwork while drinking cups of tea.
17. Actress Michelle Collins wasn't in the film Planet of the Apes but she would have fitted in well.
18. Monkey sick always resembles mushed bananas in custard. It tastes very similar too.
19. If you ever receive a delivery of a ton of bananas check the location of your credit card.
20. Charles Bronson use to be a monkey but someone gave him a razor.
21. You can easily spot a monkey in the supermarket - it is the chap hanging around the tea-bags all the time.
24. You can easily spot a monkey in the Civil Service - it is the chap sitting behind a desk chattering and making the occasional grimace.
22. The film Congo featured a talking monkey but the Death Wish films did it first.
23. Monkeys have difficulty counting beyond twenty.
Analysis of a Monkey
a) Spiky hair because monkeys can't use combs
b) Big ears for catching fleas in to eat at own convenience
c) Teeth used for biting, chattering and chewing excrement
d) The tail is used for hanging upside-down from trees to enable accurate gobbing on passers-by. It is also used for wiping its own arse before dipping humourously into someone's yoghurt.
e) Hairy elbows. Not natural. What're they for? I don't know. Have you got hairy elbows? Better check now 'cos if you have you're a freakin' monkey!
f) Hands for holding bananas and banana-shaped things.
g) Hands-for-feet help the monkey with everyday tasks like tree-climbing and masturbation.
More Amazing Monkey Facts
1.There is 2% difference between humans and chimpanzees - in whose favour?
2.Justin Currie, lead singer of Del Amitri, uses genuine monkey fur to fashion his sideburns.
3.Apparently, having sex with a monkey is like sticking "it" in a watermelon with a hole cut in the side.
4.Monkeys do have hands-for-feet.
5.Indie rockers Supergrass use the fur from three monkeys to fashion their sideburns.
6.Number 3 was a lie. It was like sticking "it" in a jar of crunchy peanut butter.
7.Following the commercial success of products like "I can't believe its not butter" and "Too Good to be True", a South American businessman is launching his new product "This has to be Monkey Chunks in Cheese"*
8.Visit a second-hand shop twice and, with a small operation, you too can have hands-for-feet.
9.Darwin's theory of evolution states that man evolved from monkey yet science fact states that in a right-angled triangle the area of the square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares drawn on the other two sides - I know which I believe!
10. 2% in favour of Orangutangs - they always entertain people with their ginger-haired crazy antics.
11."Monkey Chunks in Cheese"* will be available in all major supermarkets on special offer with "I must be Crackers to eat these"* biscuits for cheese.
12.The videogame "Donkey Kong" features a huge gorilla throwing barrels at a man - if the game had its roles reversed the Animal Welfare League would surely have something to say.
13.Noddy Holder and Slade used a full business of monkeys for their sideburns.
14. 2% against - Ginger-haired Chris Evans' crazy antics aren't too popular these days.
15.Chimpanzees and Orangutangs are actually classed as Apes not Monkeys due to having no tail.
16.A South American businessman is opening a shop dealing with the trading of hands-for-feet.
17.Videogame makers should be told a donkey and a big monkey have no relation to each other whatsoever.
18.It should be safe to assume, after his recent naked performance on Channel 5, that Keith Chegwin is an Ape.
19.Newton saw an apple fall from a tree and devised his Laws of Gravity. Monkeys rarely fall from trees due to having long tails and Hands-for-Feet*
20.Monkey go no further... getting confused... what come next? 23? 42?
*TM & (c) South American Businessman 2000
The Walk of a Monkey
A. The monkey is in neutral position with arms at equal distance in front and behind on opposite sides. Legs are spreadeagle in slightly arched position. Monkey tackle is in full view to attract monkey of opposite sex.
B. Left leg bends towards floor moving whole body in gentle sway to the left and down. The knee hairs faintly carress the ground. The right leg swings on a wide arc out and forwards. The arms begin their pendulum-like swing in opposite directions to maintain balance.
C. Right arm lifts forward and wrist twists into correct palm-inside position while left arm reaches uppermost limit, turns and starts to fall back down. Meanwhile, the right leg reaches a new neutral stance at a forward position with left leg at similar stance in past position. The monkey's arse is now in full view to attract monkeys of the same sex.
And so continues the cycle until the monkey reaches his destination or is sexually accosted by other monkeys of either gender. Or stops for a banana. Or a dump. Probably.
Amazing Monkey Facts Strike Back
Just for fun you can change some of the names into popular celebrities!
1. Hot scolding water poured onto a chimpanzee makes a better brew than PG Tips.
2. Chef-in-the-niff Jamie Olivier is, in fact, a spider monkey due to his stomach which fills fast on a couple of olives and three sun-dried tomatoes.
3. The popular "Discworld" (by Terry Pratchett) character The Librarian is an Orangutang. If ever turned into a film then Clint Eastward would be perfect casting.
4. Monkeys prance about acting clever, eat bananas and giggle a lot. So does chef-in-the-niff Jamie Olivier.
5. Norman Wisdumb always trips over his own feet. This is because he suffers from Hands-for-feet syndrome.
6. King of pap, Mikhael Jackson's plastic surgery involved a 99p plastic monkey mask, a hot gas fire and fifteen minutes of time.
7. When driving through the jungle in your Range Rover do not sound your horn to alert monkeys in your headlights. Just run over the little buggers.
8. Monkeys communicate to each other by means of violent actions and hand signals very similar to those adopted by footballing filmstar Vinny Jonez.
9. Acclaimed Icelandic pop singer Beeyork is small, cuddly and makes strange noises when poked with a stick. Remind you of anything?
10. Jamie Olivier was once hit by a Range Rover in Hyde Park.
11. Vinny Jonez is the second cousin thrice removed of Davy Jonez, ex-Monkee. Probably.
12. The dead baby monkey in Signey Weaver's "Gorillas in the Mist" that was paraded around by the locals in a bizarre variation of the Conga was, in fact, played by midget actor David Rappatador just after he'd died.
13. A monkey can live as long as a human. As long as a human sounds his horn, that is.
14. Monkey-tea was favoured by many native Africans. Horatio "Nelson" Mandela drunk more than his fair share and suffered the consequences.
15. Monkeys cannot cook food. Neither can Jamie Olivier.
Monkeys in Music
There is a plethora of monkeys in the music industry and here we will reveal just a few of them. You may not have noticed some of them but they are there. Trust me, once you've been told you will see for yourself.
The Monkees
Yes. The most obvious of them all. By mispelling the plural these cheeky chimps fooled the whole world of their real identities. Even the lyrics to their songs revealed they "like to monkey around". The questions we should ask are: Did they swing on tyres? Did they eat each others headlice? And, did they partake in the occasional tea-party? I think you'll find the answer is yes.
The Rolling Stones
They are, aren't they? They certainly look it. Especially Keith Richards. I rest my case.
Monkey Gone Blonde
The greatest living/fictional "nearly-there" rock combo. Although not real monkeys they do feature one in their name and logo. And, at least one of them looks very simian. Featured exclusively in their own cartoon strip on this website.
Blow Monkeys
A pastime female monkeys don't enjoy but male ones do.
The Animals
Not strictly monkeys but probably covered in the collective.
The Farm
No monkeys involved in this early nineties indie group. There may have been future promise if they hadn't banana split.
Happy Mondays
Included a real live "tin-in-hand" dancing monkey called "Bez".
Foo Fighters
Their chart smash hit "Monkey Wrench" was about a tool used to twist the heads off our furry cousins.
Belle Stars
The Skipping Song: "3,6,9 The monkey drank wine..." - actually meant to be "3 sixty-nines" and the wine meant to be the banana sweetness of pure monkey love juices being consumed.
The Charlatans/Stone Roses/Oasis
Not monkeys but Mankeys. Often confused by most people.
True Monkey Happenings
Duke University Medical Center researchers have tested a neural system that allows scientists to record individual neuron responses from multiple electrodes implanted in a monkey's brain. The research team was able to combine the individual neuron responses outside the monkey by running the data through a computer using an algorithmic program. The monkey was encouraged to control its robot arm and reach for food. The monkey was able to successfully complete the task. Scientists were then able to use the neuron data they gathered to transmit the monkey's brain signals over the Internet in real time and control a robot arm 600 miles away. This is considered to be a major breakthrough in brain-machine interface study.
A study assessed changes in brain function in four rhesus monkeys that were permitted to take a maximum of two doses of 0.5 mg of cocaine per kilogram of their body weight once a week for 6 months. A previous study conducted by Dr. Bradberry indicated that the 0.5 mg/kg dose produces blood levels of cocaine in the monkeys that are equivalent to those found in humans who experience euphoria when given cocaine in laboratory settings. The monkeys self-administered each dose by pressing a lever when a light indicated that cocaine was available. The weekly self-administration of low doses of cocaine was designed to simulate human patterns of weekend cocaine use. Each week, the researchers measured extra cellular levels of dopamine in a region of the monkeys' brains that corresponds to the limbic system in human brains. Cocaine-induced dopamine increases in this region are thought to trigger euphoria and play a significant role in cocaine abuse and addiction.
Although grouping of image fragments has been considered so far to require complex sensory processing, it was proven that the primary optical area which is the point of entry of visual signals first processes the information. He showed a vertically positioned stick to a monkey, and investigated the function of the primary optical area of its brain. As a result, it was verified that even though part of the stick was out of sight by placing a barrier in front of it, the monkey recognized it as a stick.
NY Man Dies After Brain Sucked Out - A city worker clearing debris from a drainage pipe in a nearly empty reservoir basin was attacked by an unidentified assailant that sucked the brain out of his head. Arch Stanton, 43, was standing in about 2 to 3 feet of water as he tried to unclog a drain Friday, when something jumped on him and applied its lamprey-like mouth to his head, Department of Environmental Protection officials said. It then created a vortex so powerful that even his eyeballs were sucked out by the attached optic nerves. It's very similar to what happens when you suck a monkeys brain out," said Environmental Protection Commissioner Joel Leoj, "sort of, but not exactly," he added. The 60-acre reservoir is linked to an upstate aqueduct that provides more than 10 percent of the New York City's water. It is home to many strange and mutated lifeforms, due to high concentrations of radioactive and chemical pollutants.
The experiment that throws radioactivity to burn a monkey's eye - Taking monkey's brain from his skull, the electrode is inserted to the skull of the monkey through the hole opened by the researcher. They watch (inspect) the monkey's change by electric current. They're cryo-sections of a small monkey's brain. They freeze the monkey's head in a block of ice and then plane off slices and take pictures of them. A chimpanzee brain is more than twice the size of a monkey brain. The surface of the brain, a sheet of cells where all the interesting creative stuff happens, is wrinkled like a crumpled-up wad of paper. If you flatten it out on a cookie sheet, it's about the thickness of two dimes and that's true in all mammalian species. What differs is the amount of it; a rat's might cover a postage-stamp-sized area while a monkey's neocortex covers an area about the size of a postcard. A chimp's neocortex would cover a whole sheet of typing paper and that of a human brain would cover four sheets. We'd like to understand why the monkey's brain doubled to become an ape, and why the ape's brain recently quadrupled to become human in size.
